tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1211933243543208582024-03-13T12:15:40.651-07:00Hidden No MoreReaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-5198139402313256722011-08-25T18:04:00.000-07:002011-08-25T18:04:27.583-07:00How long will you grieve?1 Samuel 16:1 "Now the Lord said to Samuel, "How long will you grieve over Saul...?"<br />
<br />
Saul has just taken matters into his own hands, disobeying God's order to destroy the Amelikites. And because of his defiant disobedience God has rejected him as king over Israel.<br />
<br />
And Samuel grieved. He grieved for the person he loved and the person he thought Saul was and would be. He grieved over a lost hope.<br />
<br />
I think many times we have to grieve when someone deeply hurts us. When they "betray" the thought of who we thought they were. <br />
<br />
That's a realization I've walked up to this past week.<br />
<br />
I realized what I've been doing with my mother was waiting for <b>her</b> to take the fall. Waiting for<b> her</b> to admit what<b> she</b> had done that had hurt <b>me</b>. Waiting for <b>her</b> to apologize and admit that her actions toward me had hurt me and altered my life from what it could have been.<br />
<br />
And I realized that wasn't going to happen. She was not going to take the "fall" for those things when she couldn't even admit they happened.<br />
<br />
It took over 3o years and 1 <b>entire year</b> of conflict for that to sink it and become a reality - I have been grieving the lack of hope in that relationship for the past year.<br />
<br />
But how long, Reagan, will you grieve? <br />
<br />
I don't know how long Samuel grieved over Saul before the Lord told him to move on. Perhaps it was days, maybe months; who knows? But at some point God said, "Okay, Samuel, let's move on." In my mind God was acknowledging to Samuel that he was grieving and that was okay to do, but at some point, God says, its time to move on.<br />
<br />
He, of all people, understands betrayal and loss of hope in humanity. We are frail, failing objects of divine creation. We mess up. We hurt others. Others hurt us. It's okay to grieve. And then its time to move on, accepting the face of reality and dealing with it in the present.<br />
<br />
I feel like this week God took my hand and said, "Let's go. It's time for some new territory to cross."<br />
<br />
And it is strangely hopeful.Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-417611148903628122011-07-03T20:05:00.000-07:002011-07-03T20:05:44.922-07:00ChangesI've made a big change. And one I didn't think I could make.<br />
<br />
I've let go.<br />
<br />
I had to wait for an authority figure I trusted okay it before I could.<br />
<br />
He said, "You've tried hard enough here. (with mom, aunt, etc.) You need to let go." I cried in acknowledgment of that. Letting go of a huge part of your life, your family, all of a sudden makes you feel like an orphan. <br />
<br />
But it has brought tremendous peace.<br />
<br />
Not joy - peace. Not healing - peace.<br />
<br />
I've landed on a boundary I can deal with. And that is one of respect.<br />
<br />
That was something my mom stressed over and over again to me as I was growing up - I had to respect her. <br />
<br />
Yet, there was no room for respect for me in the process.<br />
<br />
But that needs to be different. <br />
<br />
She deserves respect. And so do I. And if I'm not treated respectfully I am going to have to ensure that for myself.<br />
<br />
My aunt has a big party over the 4th. Man, it was lonely knowing I wasn't going this year. It just hurt. And I know the very fact we didn't show up is going to raise questions from the rest of my family who may not know what is happening. And that bites.<br />
<br />
But, why would I go somewhere I know I'm going to be completely ignored? That's not respectful or loving. So, I voluntarily excluded myself this year.<br />
<br />
Bites.<br />
<br />
But at least it's simpler.<br />
<br />
Have you had to let go of family members? How did you set your boundaries?Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-84003811852945862152011-06-09T19:46:00.000-07:002011-06-09T19:49:38.035-07:00Keep Breathing (Kerrie Roberts)I started this blog as a way to chronicle my journey of healing from sexual, emotional and physical abuse. As a way to let people know there were others out there who could make it through these injustices in their lives. To give them hope.<br />
<br />
Instead of this being encouraging and hopeful as I hoped it would be it has instead been a place for me to share the incredible pain I've been experiencing as I let go of things that should have been let go of years ago. Idols I formed as a result of the emotional manipulation I experienced.<br />
<br />
I'm ready for this last 10 months to be over. I have felt more suicidal and depressed than I have been since I was in college I think. That was years ago (unfortunately :)). <br />
<br />
This week it seemed to come to a head. I have been so tired of wondering when things are going to "break" so I would feel a sense of peace again. I kept hoping that break would come. And it just hasn't. <br />
<br />
A few days ago I was working on planting our garden and listening to music so I would not hear the road noise (completely different, and crazy story) and I was listening to Kerrie Roberts. <br />
<br />
This woman is amazing and has the most empathetic and understanding music I believe I've ever heard. I don't think she has been through abuse, but she gets it anyway. Every song is incredibly encouraging and real.<br />
<br />
Well, as I was listening to her album, Kerrie Roberts, I had this urge to run. Totally unusual for me. My husband runs and I have no idea why. He actually finds it enjoyable! I find laying on the couch eating brownies enjoyable....<br />
<br />
I asked my husband if I could have 20 minutes. I didn't tell him what I was doing and he said, "Yes." I shut the door to our house and just took off. I just started running. (I can hear the Forrest Gump jokes now.)<br />
<br />
I ran over a mile. When I got home, the song "Keep Breathing" by Kerrie Roberts was playing. I just sat down on the rock at the end of our driveway and listened and cried and prayed. I prayed one word, "Help." Over and over again. Just help. And I focused on each breath I took. I just kept breathing.<br />
<br />
The essence of the song is as long as there is breath, as long as you are breathing, you can not give up. Keep breathing. Keep going.<br />
<br />
I don't know where you are today. I don't know if this blog is for my eyes only and meant to be a place I can talk without my kids reading it someday or if its a place to touch someone.<br />
<br />
If you're a someone who is sad, wondering where the hope is, wondering where God is, wondering where YOU are, take a listen to this song. You are not done. Just keep breathing.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="217" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8erETOKXaHM" width="250"></iframe><br />
<br />
Lyrics<br />
You wait in darkness<br />
For answers that you can't see<br />
You know what you deserve<br />
And your wondering why your life is<br />
Not what you thought it should be<br />
When the knife breaks<br />
Your heart still aches<br />
How can you face the day<br />
You just<br />
<br />
Keep breathing<br />
you'll make it<br />
Don't give in<br />
You're not done yet<br />
Sometimes all that you can do is<br />
Keep breathing and believing<br />
Don't let go<br />
Just hand on tighter<br />
A little longer<br />
When you feel like your dying<br />
Keep breathing<br />
<br />
Don't give up<br />
Don't give in<br />
No you're not done<br />
Don't give up<br />
Don't give in<br />
Don't let go<br />
<br />
When every moment<br />
Is almost more than you can take<br />
You've got to know some<br />
Tomorrow will bring you a breakthrough<br />
Is the reason why<br />
You got to get through the today<br />
When the knife's gone<br />
You will be strong<br />
<br />
Keep breathing<br />
you'll make it<br />
Don't give in<br />
You're not done yet<br />
Sometimes all that you can do is<br />
Keep breathing and believing<br />
Don't let go<br />
Just hand on tighter<br />
A little longer<br />
<br />
With every breath<br />
You're bringing hope<br />
You're letting go of all your doubts<br />
When nothing is easy<br />
You got to keep going<br />
Even when you don't know how<br />
You don't have to know how, no<br />
<br />
Keep breathing<br />
you'll make it<br />
Don't give in<br />
You're not done yet<br />
Sometimes all that you can do is<br />
Keep breathing and believing<br />
Don't let go<br />
Just hand on tighter<br />
A little longer<br />
<br />
Keep breathing<br />
you'll make it<br />
Don't give in<br />
You're not done yet<br />
Sometimes all that you can do is<br />
Keep breathing and believing<br />
Don't let go<br />
Just hand on tighter<br />
A little longer<br />
<br />
Keep breathing<br />
Don't give up<br />
No you're not done yet<br />
Don't give up<br />
Don't give in<br />
Don't let go<br />
No you're not done yetReaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-44808110936347309462011-05-27T20:24:00.000-07:002011-05-27T20:24:50.120-07:00The Styrofoam Bridge<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://hmaloy.wikispaces.com/file/view/styrofoam.jpg/34212045/styrofoam.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">http://hmaloy.wikispaces.com/Styrafoam+3</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Does this look like something you'd build a bridge out of?<br />
<br />
I didn't think so.<br />
<br />
I do all my best thinking, as I mentioned last week, when I'm completely alone with nothing even near the horizon to distract me.<br />
<br />
I was praying over the situation with my mom last week. I was wishing I could articulate what I am thinking and why I'm behaving the way I am with her - why I'm not calling her or pursuing any type of relationship with her. I wish it sounded healthy. I don't know if I'm looking for ways to justify my behavior or just be able to explain it. <br />
<br />
But as I was laboring this over in my head I decided to just pray and say those exact words to God. So I did.<br />
<br />
"Dear God. I want a way to explain this. I know there are reasons why I'm doing what I am but I can't explain them. I feel like I'm doing the right thing but I can't articulate why and I want to."<br />
<br />
And just after saying those words a picture came into my head.<br />
<br />
A picture of a styrofoam bridge.<br />
<br />
That is what my mom is wanting from me and what my aunt is wanting from me.<br />
<br />
There is a gaping hole between two mountainsides. I am one side; mom is the other. And the hole exists because of the pain of the last 10 months coupled with the pain that was never dealt with from years ago. <br />
<br />
Instead of dealing with the situation by:<br />
<ol><li>Honestly addressing the reality of the situation. "Hey look. There is a huge hole here and there is no way we can see eye to eye without some sort of bridge here." </li>
<li>Acknowledging that one person can't fix it alone and have it be worth anything.</li>
<li>And using substaintial and stable tools to fix the situation, </li>
</ol><br />
we're going to do this.....<br />
<ol><li>Maybe acknowledge the other mountain.</li>
<li>Yell at the person occassionally from my mountain to tell them what I'm thinking and have it rarely if ever understood.</li>
<li>Or if all else fails and we decide to try to get from one mountainside to the other, have someone throw a slab of styrofoam to cross the bridges and expect to safely pass.</li>
</ol><br />
I don't think so.<br />
<br />
My mom is asking me to not truly address this and not acknowledge the truth with the end goal of having things go back to the way they were while pushing everything under the rug. Actually, with me pushing everything under the rug.<br />
<br />
The problem with that though is that I've crossed that styrofoam bridge before. Except I didn't get the whole way across it. I got somewhere near the middle and it broke. <br />
<br />
I'm not up for that anymore. Not unless there is something real crossing those mountainsides.<br />
<br />
You know what else I'm not up for? My aunt being on my mountain and telling me to throw a slab of styrofoam over to my mom's side.<br />
<br />
So I've made some decisions. Here is a key to decode my vision here.<br />
<ul><li>mountainside = life</li>
<li>bridge = relationship and everything that goes into relationship</li>
<li>steel and wood = necessary tools to maintain a healthy relationship</li>
<li>styrofoam = false means of maintaining relationships = always leads to dysfunctional relationships</li>
</ul>Here goes..... <br />
<br />
<ol><li>Stay on my mountain: I'm going to keep my distance for a little while. I don't know how long. Until I find the tools of faith, courage, forgiveness and wholeness to even start to build a bridge I'm going to stay on my own mountain.</li>
<li>Evaluate my mountain: I'm going to honestly evaluate my mountain to see what exactly I'm dealing with - who I am and what potential God has given me before I start building bridges all over the place.</li>
<li>Evaluate the other mountain: Honestly evaluate what I'm seeing on her mountainside. Pretending the things that hurt and the realities of our relationship and interaction with each other doesn't exist is not dealing with the truth. And if I am unable to deal with the truth I can not be set free with it.</li>
<li>Escort people off my mountain: Ask my aunt to get off my mountain. She needs to be dealing with her own mountain. Being on mine and yelling at me is only threatening the survival of our relationship and her own mountain and bridges.</li>
<li>See other mountains as separate: Realize that I can't ask people to get on my mountain with me and see things solely from my perspective. They need to stay on their own mountains. My children have their own mountains. My husband has his own mountain.</li>
</ol>In case this is completely not understandable let me provide a personal example.<br />
<br />
My mother used to see my kids at least every other week. If we went 3 weeks or longer without them seeing each other that was strange. And she used to talk to the kids at least 1-2 times per week.<br />
<br />
I can literally count the times in the last 10 months that she has spoken to them on the phone on one hand. She has seen them maybe 10 times in that same amount of time and 3 of those times have been in the last 6 weeks. 2 months ago she told my son she would go to his school and have lunch with him before the school year was over. There are literally 3 days left for that to happen and she hasn't even called.<br />
<br />
When my son was a baby she spent so much time with him. Enough time that occasionally he called her "mama". As he has gotten older, he has wanted to do more boy things and spend more time with his male grandparents instead of her. She told me, before this whole thing started, that she didn't know how to relate to him anymore or what to do with him and she just wants to be "someone's favorite". She, through the normal course of development, is no longer his favorite. In the last several years, since this started happening (his growing distance from her), she started favoring my daughters much more. Special weekends for their birthdays, playing with them, etc. She has not done the same for my son. She does not know anything about what any of the kids are doing at this point unless my aunt is telling her.<br />
<br />
Here are my thoughts based on what I said above.<br />
<ol><li>Staying on my mountain - I'm not going to call her about this. I'm not going to remind her. I'm not going to scold her. I'm going to leave it alone.</li>
<li>Evaluating my mountain - I am furious. Maybe she's going to treat me with distance but my kids don't deserve it at all. IF she calls about this before the school year is over it is going to be really hard to not tell her off in anger. It is incredibly painful to see her dropping off the face of the earth from them when they did nothing to her at all.</li>
<li>Evaluating her mountain - She is showing a pattern of using people (including my children) for her own self worth. If she is not their favorite she will move on to someone she has a shot at that with. Someone who makes her feel good about who she is. </li>
<li>Escort people off my mountain - Not mention a word to this to my aunt nor entertain her words if she brings it up, respectfully of course.</li>
<li>See other mountains as separate - This is a little trickier because my kids aren't independent yet. They're little. And it is my responsibility to protect them and prepare them for life still. IF she does call to see if she can have lunch with my son I need to inspect the shape of the bridge from his perspective and make the decision based on that. Not based on the shape of my bridge to her.</li>
</ol><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This is hard. My sinful nature totally wants to win out on this one.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">What do you think of this analogy? Is it helpful or horribly confusing? I'd love to hear your thoughts.</div>Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-87666511492976462672011-05-20T18:51:00.000-07:002011-05-20T19:00:03.211-07:00Preventing This Stuff..............Or At Least Defeating Some RepercussionsI do my best (and most) thinking when I'm alone with my thoughts, which typically only happens in the shower and on the lawn mower.<br />
<br />
I was doing some thinking tonight while I was mowing.<br />
<br />
I started sharing my story when I was in college after hearing a campus safety talk, of all things. Very, VERY loose connection to sexual abuse. Sexual assault --> sexual abuse I guess.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I remember thinking so many times in high school when things in my family were so chaotic... "I wish someone would ask me. I wish someone would SEE me. See what is happening." There was one occassion when my biology teacher pulled me out of her classroom to talk to me. I was sure it was going to be then. I was sure she was going to ask. And I know I would have told her because I was crying out on the inside and I completely respected this woman. Turns out it had to do with my grade. I was happy with the grade I was receiving but so disappointed. I was hoping she had seen.<br />
<br />
I was thinking tonight.... What if some kind of presentation had been given earlier in my life? What would I have done? Would anyone have noticed I was acting strange all day after that? Would any teachers have noticed the look on my face? Would I have said anything?<br />
<br />
I think I may have. At least to someone.<br />
<br />
Is anyone talking in our middle and high schools about the statistic that at least 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused? And that doesn't even include domestic violence. <br />
<br />
I just looked up <a href="http://www.pascack.k12.nj.us/70271919141818/lib/70271919141818/Bullying_Statistics.htm">bullying statistics</a> and 1 in every 4 students is bullied every month. Same numbers. And if you have child in school you know there is an incredible amount of programming focused on bullying - prevention and dealing with bullying.<br />
<br />
Bullying is very serious. And so is sexual and physical abuse in the home. <br />
<br />
And the longer its hidden the worse it will be in the long run for the victim. In my opinion our schools can help deal with this problem.<br />
<br />
What do you think?Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-85191210547605261872011-05-14T21:57:00.000-07:002011-05-14T21:57:59.788-07:00Maybe Some PotentialWell hello! It's been a while since I wrote last. I guess when you keep a blog you're supposed to show at least some consistency in writing so I'm going to work on that, if for no other reason than to log my own journey more regularly. Journals are wonderful things.<br />
<br />
I wish I could say things are totally different than they were the last time I wrote, but I can't. Some things are better though. And here is my favorite different thing....<br />
<br />
I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling more freedom than I have ever felt, I think. Because I'm finally starting to find out who I am.<br />
<br />
I was terrified, not long ago, of making any changes in my life; of finding out who I truly was. Mostly out of fear of the change but also because I was afraid of what I might find. Will I be recognizable to others if I changed? Would my husband still love me? Would I even like myself?<br />
<br />
As painful as this whole thing has been with my mother, I am thankful. I'm finding out, for the first time in my life, that there is potential for me. That I can try and fail and get back up again. That I can try and succeed. And it feels SO GOOD!! <br />
<br />
So many times I heard that I would not amount to anything. That I would be a miserable person that everyone hated. That no one would have any respect because I was unworthy of receiving respect from others.<br />
<br />
But I don't think that's true anymore. I actually think that was all very, very wrong.<br />
<br />
I am finding a joy and happiness in seeing my own worth that I never could have imagined.<br />
<br />
Do you have the hope of joy for what God has created you to be? I pray you do. He has created beautiful you.Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-31730219523540630352011-04-05T20:22:00.000-07:002011-04-05T20:39:10.134-07:00Watermark<div style="text-align: left;">I want to keep it simple tonight. So, here's a beautiful song by Watermark called "Light of the World". I'm just going to let the song speak for itself. I hope it is as encouraging to you as it has been to me in the course of the last week.</div><br />
Blessings,<br />
Reagan <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JUzP_TIeItk/TZvf3s6CqxI/AAAAAAAAABY/QfiKrYyR0OM/s1600/reagan.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a></div><a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><br />
</a><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="300" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-U-3Sh7QNdk" title="YouTube video player" width="300"></iframe>Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-18637497978658587332011-04-04T19:21:00.000-07:002011-04-04T19:21:38.474-07:00Stop the Decay and Displace the Darkness<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/andrewdotcameron/89161276/" title="Salt, monochrome by andrew.cameron, on Flickr"><img alt="Salt, monochrome" height="300" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/32/89161276_fae39fce8e_m.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
During the fall our pastor spoke frequently about following Christ completely and what that practically looks like.<br />
<br />
That sermon series changed my life.<br />
<br />
One of the biggest things he talked about was how we as Christians are to be the salt and the light to the world. To stop the decay and displace the darkness every where we go and to literally ask Christ to walk ahead of us through each day, through each moment, following in His lead.<br />
<br />
I started looking at things differently - planning get togethers, having conversations of conflict, decisions, opportunities. I started to try to look at them through the glass of Christ instead of my own agenda.<br />
<br />
It's not exactly easy. But I believe, I must believe, that it is worth it. Because where else is there to turn?<br />
<br />
Actually, not only is it not easy, it's flipping hard. Waiting, truly waiting on Christ is hard.<br />
<br />
I told you about the conflict we're having with our church. Typically I would make a concise, quick decision about conflicts like this. I'd leave. This time, I'm waiting and wading through it. Waiting for clarity. Waiting even though I go to our church and cry because of the hurt I feel. Waiting even through my distrust and feelings of insecurity because I'm not sure what God wants from me at this point.<br />
<br />
There is a dear woman at our church who, along with her husband, takes care of the offering every single week. Every single weekend - for all 5 services. Hours of volunteer work - unrecognized by most. She has asked me to take over for her a few times and I literally mean a very few during the course of the last year. This weekend was one of those opportunities.<br />
<br />
I showed up for church late - just in time to hear the sermon - which I felt like I was going to throw up throughout. I left as soon as the sermon was over to go directly to the office to take care of the offering. <br />
<br />
I sat in that room for 4 hours while I counted and recorded and typed. And I prayed. I prayed about the whole situation - prayed for peace, clarity, wisdom for my husband, wisdom for me, someone to notice, someone to be led toward us to help us, for some kind of decision to come about.<br />
<br />
I had about a half hour left in my time there at the most and one of the pastors walked in - one who is 98% of the time not on campus because he is the leading pastor at another campus. He came in to take care of something. I could tell he was in a hurry but we ended up talking. We talked about some area churches, how long we had been at the church and what made us start coming.<br />
<br />
And then he point blank asked me if we were happy at our church.<br />
<br />
How can you deny God there?<br />
<br />
So I gave him the overview, crying throughout, of the trust I had lost and the hurt we were experiencing because of some of our interactions with key leaders at the church. He prayed with me and asked if it would be okay to talk to one of them. I said yes, expecting in all reality that it won't get talked about simply because this man is incredibly busy.<br />
<br />
But I felt peaceful. Peaceful because someone heard. Someone listened. We weren't alone anymore.<br />
<br />
And if for no other reason I'm thankful that I didn't make a rash decision and just leave. I think I have a much better chance at achieving healing if I wait in Him than if I impulsively decide by myself and drag my family with me.<br />
<br />
Do you wait? It's hard isn't it?Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-18926505239604016262011-03-28T19:17:00.000-07:002011-03-28T19:17:53.373-07:00RememberingMy husband's grandmother passed away tonight and I just have the need to write when things like this happen.<br />
<br />
Grandma S. had no name to the in-laws. My father in law didn't call her anything. Ever. I don't know how in the world he managed to get through nearly 40 years without calling her anything, but he did. So I never knew what to call her. And I didn't call her anything either. <br />
<br />
It was determined about a year ago that she had an aneurysm near her heart and they were doing scans every 6 months or so to make sure things were still "okay". It was during the course of one of those scans back in September that she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She lived about 2 hours from us but we saw her almost every weekend for 3 months while she was having tests, etc. here. While she was in the hospital one of the times last fall I asked my husband to ask her what I should call her finally. She said, "Well, I don't know! Grandma."<br />
<br />
I didn't feel so bad because not even she knew what she wanted to be called.<br />
<br />
My husband and I had our three children very close together, the third of which was unplanned. She told me in her kitchen one night that we should consider using "those protector" things that she and her husband had to use after the birth of my mother-in-law. Nice. I thought my husband was going to throw up everywhere when I told him that.<br />
<br />
She definitely wasn't the most emotional person. She laughed at things that weren't funny, ignored you most of the time and ALWAYS said what she was thinking, no matter what you might think in return. Very typical of older people, I'm realizing. (I'm looking forward to that point of my life.) And she really liked her cats. When she came to stay with us this fall we had just gotten a kitten. She asked about that cat and was more protective of our kitten than she was our children. She just didn't get attached to people so much.<br />
<br />
But here's what is surprising me the most about her death. <br />
<br />
I'm truly filled with joy for her. Since I met her nearly 14 years ago now, she has talked about wanting to go to Heaven. Wishing she was in Heaven with her husband. Tired of the pain she was experiencing and not wanting to be here anymore. She preached the end times to anyone who would listen and didn't care, as I said, before, what you thought. She was sure the end times would be approaching and that I would have to live through them. And that she would not.<br />
<br />
I'm grateful to have known her and have gotten to know her in these past 6 months. And I'm grateful she is dancing with joy with her husband in the presence of Christ.Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-89854126481337392762011-03-26T18:57:00.000-07:002011-03-26T18:57:02.518-07:00I'm Tired.Today has been a sucky day.<br />
<br />
Miss K. is upstairs crying right now. We do this thing with her where she loses 5 minutes of TV (well, all of them do) as a consequence for each time they whine, complain or pick on each other. She has lost 20 minutes for tomorrow already. She is in bed crying for Daddy who won't be home for another hour and a half. Do your kids do that? Cry for the other parent when one disciplines them? <br />
<br />
I was reading through the blog the other day and thinking of how to reach out to people. I've tried networking and talking to other blogs and following them, but my comments here are minimal and I think I've had one page view in one week. Not great stats. I don't think I'll get much in the way of offers for advertising.<br />
<br />
So I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to write what is on my heart.<br />
<br />
I'm tired today.<br />
<br />
Yesterday was a particularly long work day and when I have days like that I find myself exhausted for even several days afterwards. I'm more emotional.<br />
<br />
But I'm also just tired. Tired of feeling the hurt I feel every day. Tired of the hurt I feel when I get a one line email from my mother. Tired of the text messages I get from my aunt saying she's having surgery instead of an actual call because she's upset about my relationship with my mother. Tired of being hurt and feeling afraid every time my father touches one of my kids, even when he touches my husband. Tired of conflict. I have had a conflict with two of the leaders of my church in the last 3 months. I feel like they are looking out for each other instead of looking to see the whole truth in this particular situation. There has been significant tension there and when I had a conversation with them about it they said I misunderstood and misconstrued everything. I ended up apologizing and taking the blame for everything. They did not. I don't trust the leaders of my church because of the occurrences of the last 3 months. I scheduled an appointment with my counselor to sort some of these things out and as I was on my way to my 11:00 appointment, the office called my house to cancel it. I had already left. Later that day I asked to have him call me back and three business days later he still hadn't. So I scheduled an appointment with him to talk to him about that. When something like that happens with your counselor though some trust is lost.<br />
<br />
Now the conflict with the church and counselor are very recent. The conflict with my aunt has happened over the course of the last 18 months. The hurt with my parents happened 20 years ago though. How much longer will that hurt? I thought as life went on the pain would subside, not just keep hurting. (It does hurt MUCH less than it used to.) I'm sure what's happened over the course of the last 6 months with my mother has not made things any better at all. Being faced with the fact that she is never going to admit what actually happened let alone apologize has made this all the worse. And having my aunt defend her and blame me has made it nearly impossible to communicate with that side of my family. How do you reach out to people like that? How do you have a relationship with them? I'm at least thankful that I can talk to my dad about what happened there and that he understands the pain he caused. Well, he understands a fraction of it. He thinks I should just trust him now because he says he is trustworthy. For some reason I can't do that.<br />
<br />
I'm tired of living on this side of heaven. I don't want to anymore. I want to not hurt.<br />
<br />
Those intermittent thoughts of suicide are happening more often and I'm seeing less of what would be bad about that.<br />
<br />
I'm just tired.Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-10831670515964656842011-03-23T20:31:00.000-07:002011-03-23T20:31:36.048-07:00What is Your God Like?<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/40442774@N06/4183305267/" title="GOD, you are my strength.. by tristangene / I'm Back!!, on Flickr"><img alt="GOD, you are my strength.." height="240" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2607/4183305267_56a8a181a2_m.jpg" width="167" /></a></div><br />
I was taking my daughter to school this morning and her sister was in the back seat with her telling her how much she missed Daddy already today. Miss Z says to Miss K, "Don't you love Mommy and God too?" <br />
<br />
Miss K: "Yes, but I miss Daddy right now!"<br />
<br />
Miss Z: "You should love God more than you love Daddy. I do because He loves me all the time."<br />
<br />
Miss K: "I do too. I just miss Daddy. I want Daddy!" <br />
<br />
Miss Z: "You know, God can hear everything you're saying right now."<br />
<br />
Miss K: "How can He hear me way down here when He is way up there?"<br />
<br />
Miss Z: "I don't know. But He can."<br />
<br />
Miss K: "I know."<br />
<br />
It's just so easy for them. They just simply trust that God is all loving, enamored with them, taken up by them and taking care of each of their steps and listening to all their words.<br />
<br />
I believe He is.<br />
<br />
I guess I should clarify. I believe He is with <b>them</b>. It's hard for me to believe He is with <b>me</b>. <br />
<br />
I believe He wants me to trust in Him and His love for me like my daughters do. He doesn't want me to be afraid of Him. He wants me to BELIEVE in Him. Believe that He hears me, loves me, is taken up by me and truly knows what is best for me. Believe that in the times I don't understand He loves me just as much and He still has my back. Believe as I face the consequences of my and other's sins that He is just and righteous. Believe that He can hear me even though He is "way up there" and I am "way down there". <br />
<br />
I am so grateful for the simple beauty of my daughters faith in Him and I pray that I will have the strength to simply<b> strive </b>for that same kind of beautiful faith.<br />
<br />
How do you see God today?Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-82940133248169077902011-03-22T20:23:00.000-07:002011-03-22T20:23:19.392-07:00Monochromatic<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12104410@N07/3829944914/" title="Monochrome monday.............. by Greta ~adores~ Pink~~~~, on Flickr"><img alt="Monochrome monday.............." height="150" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3549/3829944914_40d69edc1d_m.jpg" width="130" /></a></div><br />
I'm very black and white. In my life, unlike this picture, there is very little gray.<br />
<br />
With me, if you're a person, you fall in 1 of 2 camps, safe and unsafe. Once you make it into the unsafe camp, you are more than likely going to stay there. And I'm going to avoid you at all costs. <br />
<br />
My husband and I have been talking about this a lot lately and had a lengthy conversation about it tonight.<br />
I'm feeling used a lot in relationships. That is not an uncommon feeling for me to have, but it's going above and beyond what I've experienced in a long time. I think that feeling is merited on some level but perhaps not to the level I'm taking it. <br />
<br />
I tend to avoid in depth relationships like the plague because they don't usually turn out well. I am more than happy to have<b> conversations</b> of depth, but not a<b> relationship</b> of depth. There's a big difference.<br />
<br />
I despise superficiality, which is why I like conversations of depth. But, do not ask me to trust you and see you on a regular basis. There is just no way that is going to happen. What is that all about?<br />
<br />
<br />
For the sake of my children I'm going to have to figure this one out. But I have no idea how to do that.<br />
<br />
Can you relate at all? Any suggestions?Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-78517553552597409582011-02-28T19:47:00.000-08:002011-02-28T19:47:14.789-08:00No More Conflict!<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/12469179@N08/2103276898/" title="Conflict by niki1994, on Flickr"><img alt="Conflict" height="186" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2097/2103276898_20a58cbf25_m.jpg" width="240" /></a> </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I think conflict and I are intermingling lately. I hate that.</div><br />
If you and I had a close relationship and we had conflict this would be how I would deal with it. After a great deal of turmoil and angst I would approach you (hopefully with patience and wisdom) and get everything out on the table. Then I would do my best to never, ever see you again. What is that all about?<br />
<br />
I have no idea.<br />
<br />
Well, you know about the conversation to get it out on the table that I had with my mom a couple of weeks ago. I am about to have another one with a totally different person. Here's the thing......<br />
<br />
This conflict started a couple of months ago now. We have had 2 conversations in relation to the tension that we both know exists. One of the conversations I walked away feeling like I always did when my mom and I would have conflict. I felt desperate, useless, like a piece of crap, like it was all my fault. I didn't know why I was reacting that strongly to this person until my husband pointed it out. Their personalities are similar. It's no wonder I would feel that way about her. She reminds me of my mother.<br />
<br />
I felt so psycho after I realized that, but you know what, it makes sense.<br />
<br />
There are certain things I will see, or hear, or even smell, that will, in that very moment, take me to another time. Take me almost completely back to another time. When I hear a song that was popular when I was in college, I will FEEL like I did in college, even for a few seconds. When I smell beef gravy I think of my grandmother's house and how we used to go there after church every Sunday. You get the point.<br />
<br />
Why would my emotions be any different?<br />
<br />
My aunt told me she has been impacted by what is happening between my mother and me - hurt by the distance. She says life is too short. That I should basically forgive and forget.<br />
<br />
It's hard to explain to her why I'm okay with the distance being there. I'm okay with it because I think its worth it. Being face to face with a person who has hurt you deeply and who is unable to admit or apologize for those actions, is simply a way to take you back to when it hurt. At least it is for me. And if this conflict isn't dealt with in truth, by both parties, I don't think healing can truly happen.<br />
<br />
That's not to say I don't think I can ever have a relationship with my mother again. I just don't think we can be best friends. We need to come to some level ground before the distance can start to go away.<br />
<br />
My dad and I had close to a year of distance a few years ago. It sucked. But at the end of that time we went to a counselor we both respected and just put some things on the table. I can't tell you how much better our relationship has been as a result of that. I don't believe we would be at the point we are without that time of distance. That's why I think it's worth it. That's not to say things are all perfect. Just this weekend he visited us and every time he touched one of the kids I felt like I was going to freak out. Will that fear ever go away?<br />
<br />
Does this make sense to you? How do you deal with conflict? Do you allow the distance or try to make it go away?Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-78502357145724741172011-02-12T06:55:00.000-08:002011-02-12T06:55:06.867-08:00Ede Moment - Real Conversations with God<i><b>Confronting Esau (Genesis 32 - from The Message)</b></i><br />
<br />
<i>Reading Together .........</i><br />
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-930">1</sup> <sup class="footnote" value="[<a href="#fen-NIV-930a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]">[<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis%2032&version=NIV#fen-NIV-930a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]</sup>Jacob also went on his way, and the angels of God met him. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-931">2</sup> When Jacob saw them, he said, “This is the camp of God!” So he named that place Mahanaim.<sup class="footnote" value="[<a href="#fen-NIV-931b" title="See footnote b">b</a>]">[<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis%2032&version=NIV#fen-NIV-931b" title="See footnote b">b</a>]</sup> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-932">3</sup> Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau in the land of Seir, the country of Edom. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-933">4</sup> He instructed them: “This is what you are to say to my lord Esau: ‘Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying with Laban and have remained there till now. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-934">5</sup> I have cattle and donkeys, sheep and goats, male and female servants. Now I am sending this message to my lord, that I may find favor in your eyes.’” <br />
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-935">6</sup> When the messengers returned to Jacob, they said, “We went to your brother Esau, and now he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him.” <br />
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-936">7</sup> In great fear and distress Jacob divided the people who were with him into two groups,<sup class="footnote" value="[<a href="#fen-NIV-936c" title="See footnote c">c</a>]">[<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis%2032&version=NIV#fen-NIV-936c" title="See footnote c">c</a>]</sup> and the flocks and herds and camels as well. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-937">8</sup> He thought, “If Esau comes and attacks one group,<sup class="footnote" value="[<a href="#fen-NIV-937d" title="See footnote d">d</a>]">[<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis%2032&version=NIV#fen-NIV-937d" title="See footnote d">d</a>]</sup> the group<sup class="footnote" value="[<a href="#fen-NIV-937e" title="See footnote e">e</a>]">[<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis%2032&version=NIV#fen-NIV-937e" title="See footnote e">e</a>]</sup> that is left may escape.” <br />
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-938">9</sup> Then Jacob prayed, “O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, LORD, you who said to me, ‘Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,’ <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-939">10</sup> I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two camps. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-940">11</sup> Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-941">12</sup> But you have said, ‘I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.’” <br />
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-942">13</sup> He spent the night there, and from what he had with him he selected a gift for his brother Esau: <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-943">14</sup> two hundred female goats and twenty male goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams, <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-944">15</sup> thirty female camels with their young, forty cows and ten bulls, and twenty female donkeys and ten male donkeys. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-945">16</sup> He put them in the care of his servants, each herd by itself, and said to his servants, “Go ahead of me, and keep some space between the herds.” <br />
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-946">17</sup> He instructed the one in the lead: “When my brother Esau meets you and asks, ‘Who do you belong to, and where are you going, and who owns all these animals in front of you?’ <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-947">18</sup> then you are to say, ‘They belong to your servant Jacob. They are a gift sent to my lord Esau, and he is coming behind us.’” <br />
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-948">19</sup> He also instructed the second, the third and all the others who followed the herds: “You are to say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-949">20</sup> And be sure to say, ‘Your servant Jacob is coming behind us.’” For he thought, “I will pacify him with these gifts I am sending on ahead; later, when I see him, perhaps he will receive me.” <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-950">21</sup> So Jacob’s gifts went on ahead of him, but he himself spent the night in the camp. <br />
<i></i><br />
<br />
<i>The Basics......</i><br />
My very first question when I read this was, what happened with the angels? According to my NASB Study Bible the very presence of the angels was to reassure Jacob that the Lord was with him. Unfortunately no further details are provided on what happened in that time. Wouldn't you love to have more details sometimes?<br />
<br />
So Jacob's first tactic in dealing with his fear of what Esau will do to him is to send messengers. Messengers to tell Esau that Jacob is a servant (expressing humility and courtesy) and where he as been along with what all he has gained. Why did he tell Esau what all he has gained? Intimidation perhaps?<br />
<br />
Jacob's fear comes alive in a whole new way when he realizes that Esau has 400 other guys with him. Now, Jacob's fear is completely founded in my opinion. He fled Esau in the first place because Esau was going to kill him. Now Esau has 400 other guys with him. Let's see 401 to 1. I think Jacob is going down.<br />
<br />
So Jacob starts getting busy. Dividing people up, making a plan, figuring, etc. And then he starts to pray, well, beg God actually, to keep His end of the promise - to not let Esau kill them all off.<br />
<br />
<i>Considerings.....</i><br />
How do you deal with your fear of confrontation?<br />
<br />
Here's Jacob's plan.<br />
<br />
1. God says to go back home. Esau is there. God trumps the fear. Jacob goes.<br />
2. Jacob sends someone else to see how Esau is feeling before he confronts him. <br />
3. Jacob's fear goes into overdrive with assumptions that Esau is going to kill him when the messengers return.<br />
4. Jacob starts planning and doing as a result of his fear.<br />
5. Jacob starts praying - begging God to keep His promise to Jacob.<br />
6. Jacob starts following through with his action plan. <br />
<br />
What is your action plan when you have to confront someone? Is it what it should be? What should a godly action plan look like?<br />
<br />
I'll share a personal story next time relating to this, but here are some ideas to conclude our time in prayer today.<br />
<br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Ideas for Prayer.......</i><br />
- Pray that God would make it clear when it is time for confrontation with others to occur.<br />
- Pray for peace and assurance as you prepare for that meeting that God would be with You and that His timing was right.<br />
- Pray for His words, His feelings, His thoughts to be your thoughts.<br />
- Pray for peace and His will to be done as a result of the confrontation.<br />
<br />
Blessings,<br />
ReaganReaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-58251479543844652982011-02-08T19:59:00.000-08:002011-02-08T19:59:19.851-08:00Sometimes You Just Need to Whack a Mole<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/tpapi/2765541278/" title="Whack A Mole Fever by TPapi, on Flickr"><img alt="Whack A Mole Fever" height="180" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3055/2765541278_a18fe5606a_m.jpg" width="240" /></a> There is so much thinking, journalling, reasoning, praying, deciphering, talking, listening when it comes to recovery. Even when it comes to relationships in every day life if you're a thoughtful person.<br />
<br />
There are MANY times it gets easy to just get bogged down in it. To feel like its a never ending cycle and like its never going to get better.<br />
<br />
I look forward to when I take my kids to Chuck E. Cheese's. I don't think most parents say that because it's also a place that could completely drive you crazy because of the sheer noise and activity within that small space. I would definitely go crazier than I already feel in there if it wasn't for Whack a Mole. <br />
<br />
That game completely redeems that place and my frustrations with myself. And let me tell you, I am thankful I have children that are age appropriate to be in there so I can go in with them and play that game. :)<br />
<br />
I can't help but think that Jesus would have played Whack a Mole with the children when He was walking around down here. <br />
<br />
Maybe He's the one who made it up. <br />
<br />
Just something light hearted today to get out of the bogginess. <br />
<br />
Here's to Whack A Mole.Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-67897513964295381812011-02-07T21:09:00.000-08:002011-02-07T21:09:56.070-08:00Thank You for My ProblemsSo it turns out I'm a codependent person.<br />
<br />
I remember my mom being advised to read the book <u>Codependent No More</u> after she found out about my dad. I saw the book in the bathroom and looked at it suspiciously. I didn't want to know what was in it.<br />
<br />
In the last couple of months however, I've read it. I'm a codependent - and so is everyone else.<br />
<br />
I happen to be completely dependent on my mother. I'm in my 30s and I have cared more about what she thinks than anyone, and I mean Anyone, else. It's shameful to admit but very true.<br />
<br />
Stepping out and away from her has been difficult because a relationship that was very close - too close - is now practically non-existent. There is minimal communication. I never thought I would be able to survive without my mother.<br />
<br />
It was plain and simple idolatry that - a learned behavior. I was taught that I could not make decisions outside of my mother. <br />
<br />
After I married my husband I realized that I needed to step away from her but I just never did. I was too afraid.<br />
<br />
A friend of mine often says to be thankful for your problems. While that doesn't make much sense on the surface it leads to a truth that I'm trying to hang on to. Our problems mean we have something to be thankful for.<br />
<br />
In the case with my mother I am grateful for the conflict with her because I have had to re-work how I think of myself - how I make decisions - and what I depend on others for. It's given me a chance to depend on my husband in a healthy way and look to him instead of my mother when I'm making decisions. It's given me the opportunity to reach out to other friendships and people that I would not have before. It's given me the opportunity to think for myself. But mostly its given me the opportunity to trust in Christ - first. And seek Him - first.<br />
<br />
I am grateful for those things.<br />
<br />
Can you relate to any of this? Do you need to step away from someone or something that is unhealthy in your life for a time - even just to re-evaluate? Do you need to step up to something that God is calling you to? <br />
<br />
If so, take a listen to this song and see if you feel encouraged.<br />
<br />
<object height="300" width="300"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Et00UNFDjVM?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Et00UNFDjVM?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="300" height="300"></embed></object>Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-23190911025471691682011-01-14T07:04:00.000-08:002011-01-14T07:04:54.651-08:00Are You Hidden?“<em>There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” </em>~ Maya Angelou<br />
<br />
One of the things that breaks my heart about my past is the fassod my family and I put on - the fake masks of happiness and togetherness that we all put on to make everyone on the outside think everything was okay. And how damaging that was to my brother and I. It just prevents you from being helped. And being believed.<br />
<br />
Something I wrestle with is KNOWING there are other kids and families out there who are putting on the same masks. Kids and parents sitting in MY church! And they aren't being helped. <br />
<br />
I told my counselor that I have the strongest desire to talk to these kids and tell them to tell someone! That they don't have to wear the mask and they can feel safe to go to someone and share their story. His response to me was this...<br />
<br />
"If you do have that conversation with the teenagers in your church tell them that the more they share, the less power it will have over them."<br />
<br />
A Gestalt moment.<br />
<br />
He's right. Hidden secrets have tremendous power over us. They make us weaker even though for some reason we feel a sense of strength in keeping them.<br />
<br />
Are you sharing your story? Even anonymously? My prayer is that the power of your past and even your present will fade each time you are able to share.<br />
<br />
Praying for you today.Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-9000966399703725792011-01-12T19:19:00.000-08:002011-01-12T19:19:53.486-08:00Humor Anyone?One of the things I deal with is feeling illegitimate. What I mean by that is I wonder if I can actually have an opinion that is worthwhile. If I can participate in conversations, parent my children and appear confident at all without someone looking at me like I'm an alien or like I'm 5 pretending to be 35. I still treat myself like I'm 15, not like I'm in my 30s.<br />
<br />
So I've been working on it. Self talk is supposed to be one of the ways to do that.<br />
<br />
So one day I'm standing in my closet picking out my clothes for the day. My husband and I have a fairly large closet and we each have a portion. My husband has to walk through my side to get out. <br />
<br />
I also need to mention that the light is on my side of the closet.<br />
<br />
So, I'm standing there, particularly anxious about something for that day and my confidence level in dealing with that situation, saying to myself over and over, "I'm legitimate. I'm legitimate. I'm legitimate." Over and over.<br />
<br />
My husband, also in the closet, walks out of the closet, walks right past me and shuts the light out. <br />
<br />
I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE!<br />
<br />
How ironic was that?<br />
<br />
I said, "Hey! I'm still in here!" <br />
<br />
His mind was apparently elsewhere and he just didn't realize. It's almost stunning the coincidence of that though. He apologized and we both shared a laugh over the irony of the whole thing.<br />
<br />
Can you find any humor in dealing with yourself today? I hope so because sometimes it just gets too serious.<br />
<br />
Here's to working on ourselves and finding joy even in that.Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-30215179932617847492011-01-03T18:35:00.000-08:002011-01-03T18:35:15.620-08:00The Poor Car Salesman....Not really. I think he ended up alright.....<br />
<br />
I am learning a lot. I'm being stretched in ways I DO NOT LIKE for my own good. Don't you hate that when things that are for your own good are painful?<br />
<br />
I am not assertive. I have a little business and when people forget to pay sales tax I let it go. When they are late in paying me I wrestle with how to tell them, especially if I know them. Assertiveness is just painful to me. I'm too afraid of how much the person is going to hate me after I've been assertive.<br />
<br />
Not this past weekend though.<br />
<br />
My husband and I had a fairly new car - a Ford Freestyle. I don't recommend it. We had it in the shop for MAJOR things and it only had 50,000 miles on it. It just wasn't worth it anymore. A scary, undependable car is not what I have in my mind for my family. <br />
<br />
So after the steering column went out and the transmission started acting up, we decided it was time to move on.<br />
<br />
But that meant car shopping.<br />
<br />
After a few difficult salesmen, I was finished. I actually called ahead one of the places and asked for their least pushy person. If I got the least pushy person, I feel bad for the person who answered the phone! I told the salesman we only had one hour and we had to leave so could he please have "..." car ready for us to look at.<br />
<br />
Denied. "I have to go through the steps my boss makes me go through first."<br />
<br />
Seriously?<br />
<br />
So we walk in the door to the showroom and he starts showing us the brand new version of what we are looking for. But I don't want the new version.... I let him talk for a few minutes - yes, minutes - and then I say, "but I don't want a new car. I want the used one." His response - "I have go to through these steps first." <br />
<br />
I don't think so buddy.<br />
<br />
After he finishes his speal, he takes us 20 feet away to where the car we asked to see was. Why couldn't we go there first? He starts another speal, not letting us talk at all and then asks us if we're interested.<br />
<br />
What did I tell you when I called? (Can you sense the impatience?)<br />
<br />
He walks away. Another, gentler looking salesman approaches us and asks us if we need help and I tell him we have a salesperson but the guy is really pushy. First salesguy hears me because he is about 10 feet away. Oops.<br />
<br />
He says, "I heard that!" And I responded, "Good. Please stop." <br />
<br />
At this point my husband is horrified and wants to leave.<br />
<br />
Later on in our interactions with him I tell him to stop being mean, no we're not asking for something for free, yes we understand you have to heat this building, etc. Not a fun conversation. Needless to say, we did not buy the car.<br />
<br />
Typically I wouldn't have said a single word about any of those things. I would have been super angry and not said a single word.<br />
<br />
I'm starting to think an assertiveness checklist might be a good thing to develop. What do you think?<br />
<br />
Questions to ask yourself before you're assertive:<br />
<ul><li> Is the person mistreating me in some way?</li>
<li>Do I feel confident that what I'm saying is true?</li>
<li>Am I letting my anger be in the forefront or do I REALLY mean what I'd like to say?</li>
<li>Is this person beyond extra grace? What I mean by that is, have I already extended grace to them and now I'm just being walked on?</li>
</ul>I think that's a good start for me anyway.<br />
<br />
But does it fit in biblically? Does God want us to be assertive?<br />
<br />
I think He probably does. He picked some pretty assertive people to carry out His will.<br />
<br />
<ul><li>Isaiah, not exactly a wallflower. He traipsed around naked trying to make his point.</li>
<li>Paul didn't mince any words with anyone. And he didn't cower under his prior mistakes either.</li>
<li>Jesus, didn't get trampled on until it was part of His suffering. He said how He felt until it came time to take on our sin and He took it on to the full extent.</li>
</ul><br />
And what about the ones who wanted to be wallflowers?<br />
<br />
<ul><li>Jonah got eaten by a whale when he didn't go to approach the Ninevites.</li>
<li>Moses got the help of a staff/snake when he needed some extra confidence. He was not meant to be a wallflower either and he certainly didn't stay that way.</li>
<li>Jacob was terrified of his brother Esau after the many ways he tricked him. When he was going to meet him finally, he sent tons of gifts ahead of him. Esau's take? "What the heck brother? Just meet me face to face?"</li>
</ul><br />
I think God likes face to face.<br />
<br />
Am I anywhere near as godly as any of these men? Absolutely not. Out of all of them I relate to Jonah the most. DO NOT make me do something I'm uncomfortable with!<br />
<br />
I do think though that God wants us to reflect Him. He doesn't want us trampled and taken advantage of - especially by our own volition. He wants us to reflect Him. <br />
<br />
I think what I'm getting from all of this is that God wants us to be honest. Not to pretend we aren't hurt or upset and not to give the "smack down" to everyone who rocks out boats in the slightest way. Just to be honest.<br />
<br />
I think a fair assessment was that I was honest with the guy. I did extend him grace and I was not mean to him. I said what was honest. He was being pushy and mean and I wanted it to stop. And you know what? He did.<br />
<br />
What do you think about assertiveness?Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-10309774728594355332010-11-29T20:59:00.000-08:002010-11-29T20:59:23.131-08:00The Lord Will Fight for YouThe last time I wrote was right after my meeting with my mom that did not go well. <br />
<br />
I really struggled a lot after that - not that I'm not still struggling - but then I was struggling a lot.<br />
<br />
One night I was reading to my kids out of their Bible and something struck me that I had never paid much attention to. (Isn't the Bible awesome in that way - it always has something new to say even though it always says the same thing. It truly is the living and breathing word of God.)<br />
<br />
We were reading about the Israelites leaving Egypt and how soon after they left they were cornered between the Red Sea and the Egyptians. Certain death on both sides. <br />
<br />
Can you imagine the terror they must have felt? To know that they were safe - enslaved, but safe - just a few days prior only to now be facing certain death?<br />
<br />
And here was Moses' response to the people when they expressed their fear....<br />
<br />
"Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.'"<br />
<br />
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."<br />
<br />
Amazing.<br />
<br />
And He did fight for them. In a place that they never saw their way out of.<br />
<br />
Now, conflict with my mother is no where near certain death, but sometimes it feels like death. It feels like death to not know what in the world to do - to separate myself from something I have clung to for so long - and to try to live this out in a godly manner. This is an emotional fight instead of a physical one. But the directions are the same I believe.<br />
<br />
He will fight for me - He will fight for you - if only we will be still. And know that He will fight for us. And do the battle for us.<br />
<br />
So, my prayer for you today is that He will do the fighting for you - in whatever front you need it - and that you will have the courage to be still.<br />
<br />
Blessings, <br />
ReaganReaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-68440734614125864422010-11-29T20:43:00.000-08:002010-11-29T20:43:25.521-08:00Steven Curtis Chapman - Believe Me NowWhen I was a teenager, one of my favorite uncles introduced me to Steven Curtis Chapman. Since that time, I have become a faithful listener and admirer of Steven Curtis Chapman. I started following his blog off and on about 2 years ago when his youngest daughter tragically died in an accident at their home. Listening to this family reel from their heartache yet continue to believe in a Savior that seemed confusing yet faithful has been both heart wrenching and inspiring.<br />
<br />
I was listening to one of his CDs (All Things New) in the car the other day and heard this song. A beautiful song. Take a listen and ponder some of these thoughts.<br />
<br />
Many times off and on, in large and small ways, I have felt the anxiousness and desperation of the enemy closing in on me. Trying to find the strength to fight that enemy seemed impossible. Depression that was mind consuming with a family falling apart. Constant tears with no one who could truly understand and no idea of when that depression or the darkness that caused it might lift.<br />
<br />
God knows that feeling. He has felt it.<br />
<br />
When going through darkness such as this and worse, it is important to make ourselves remember His goodness and faithfulness in our lives. Remembering that He kept me breathing through that crippling depression - that he protected parts of me to not be damaged through that process are important in hindsight. It is impossible, at least it was for me, to remember those things in the midst of those experiences and to believe He is going to continue to be faithful. In hindsight, I can see parts where He was present. I can see times in my life before and since where I felt His abundant faithfulness. I believe that making a list, journalling and concretely remembering His faithfulness is what will get us through those times of darkness. Isn't that what the Old Testament record is about? The authors continually remind the Israelites who God is and what He has done for them as they are wondering about the wilderness, enduring persecution and even in their disobedience. They need reminded to look up and see the One who is consistent despite our and life's inconsistencies.<br />
<br />
If you are in a space of relief right now, of experiencing and knowing His faithfulness, remember with me those things and keep them for when it doesn't seem so clear.<br />
<br />
If you are in a space of darkness, focus on having enough faith to stand, dear one. He is with you and He will not waste a "single hurt you endure". He is for you.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Believe Me Now<br />
<br />
I watch you looking out across the raging water<br />
So sure your only hope lies on the other side<br />
You hear the enemy that's closing in around you<br />
And I know that you don't have the strength to fight<br />
But do you have the faith to stand and...<br />
<br />
Believe Me now<br />
Believe Me here<br />
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear<br />
I am with you and I am for you<br />
So believe Me now<br />
Believe Me now<br />
<br />
I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean<br />
I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead<br />
And I've loved you long before I set the world in motion<br />
I know all the fears you're feeling now<br />
But do you remember who I am?<br />
Do you..<br />
<br />
Believe Me now<br />
Believe Me here<br />
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear<br />
I am with you<br />
And I am for you<br />
<br />
So believe Me now<br />
Believe it's true<br />
I never have, I never will abandon you<br />
And the God that I have always been<br />
I will forever be<br />
So believe Me now<br />
<br />
I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure<br />
My words are true, and all My promises are sure<br />
So believe Me now<br />
Oh, believe Me nowReaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-26175887572300683532010-11-19T19:59:00.000-08:002010-11-19T19:59:21.166-08:00With Everything - Hillsong United (Joel Houston)<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/a8wY6BPFoWU?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/a8wY6BPFoWU?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br />
<br />
I can not tell you how grateful I am for the church we attend and for the incredible worship songs they introduce us to. This song by Hillsong United, sung by Joel Houston, reveals that the power of the Holy Spirit is at work through song.<br />
<br />
God. He is God of all. Of every one of us and every one of our days. It is hard to imagine that God is the God of some of our days - that He would seemingly stand by and watch the horrible things happen that do. That He could be a good God and stand by.<br />
<br />
It hasn't always been this way but everything in me believes that those days of suffering will be redeemed. And that He is present and aches and is broken hearted by the sin we experience in our lives.<br />
<br />
I believe this because I have seen Him at work in the lives of those around me and I feel like I'm starting to feel this in my life too. I never thought I would.<br />
<br />
A couple of years ago our family went through a tragedy and I remember looking up to the ceiling (toward God) and thinking the words of Peter - "Lord, there is no where else to go." There was truly no where else to go. No answers to be found anywhere. God was my best and only hope.<br />
<br />
As horrible as it was to feel that way that night, it was also comforting in a strange way because I knew there was SOMEWHERE to go. I was not filled with the feeling of hopelessness because I knew that He knew. <br />
<br />
He goes beyond the finiteness in which I look at him. And I'm grateful.<br />
<br />
Praise Him with me that He is God and He deserves everything we can give Him.Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-36297095443087997232010-11-17T20:06:00.000-08:002010-11-17T20:06:31.282-08:00A Sad MeetingI've mentioned to you in other posts that I've been having conflict with my mother.<br />
<br />
This week is the first time I felt like I could get together with her without being angry. I asked her to meet me and she accepted right away. <br />
<br />
On the way to meet her I prayed about what I would say to her. One of the things I said (out loud to myself) was that I forgave her. And I meant it. What a relief filled realization that was. I'm so thankful for that. <br />
<br />
Our meeting went less than favorably.<br />
<br />
We remember the years I was growing up completely differently. It's not even in the same ball park - at all.<br />
<br />
That has thrown me for a loop. <br />
<br />
Which one of us is right?<br />
<br />
She remembers hitting me 5 times. I would have thought 505. And that's not even touching the verbal or emotional abuse.<br />
<br />
How do you really deal with that? How do you deal with conflict when you see things completely differently than the other person does who you are in conflict with? What kind of things do you do in the future in relationship with that person? These are the questions I'm wrestling with right now.<br />
<br />
Here's how it's falling out for me - so far.<br />
<br />
I don't believe that the one who was abused would be making up stories. Even though I can't point out every time she hit me or where, I have feelings and thoughts to back that up, one of which is the utter surprise at her even saying that number, I know I didn't make those things up.<br />
<br />
I have been receiving counsel from dear friends, my pastor, a couple of women who are older and wiser than I am and a professional counselor. I'm praying about this a lot. And I felt peaceful.<br />
<br />
My mom was very angry and emotional through the entire conversation. She holds me just as responsible for everything that happened as she is, if not more so. The view that she is expressing feels almost bizarre.<br />
<br />
So, I believe the boundaries I'm setting right now, although very painful, are appropriate. I have no idea what will happen in our relationship and I feel SO SAD about it, but it is what it is right now and I'm going to have to trust that God will be my stability in this situation.<br />
<br />
Can you relate? Any thoughts?Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-35892177762381729482010-11-12T21:02:00.000-08:002010-11-12T21:02:41.531-08:00TMI?I review my blog posts a lot.<br />
<br />
I just finished reading the last one.<br />
<br />
One of the things I am concerned about with this blog is revealing too much. Sharing too much information that no one needs to know or wants to know or hear. I don't want to be like on of those lip-locked people in the park that freak me out!<br />
<br />
I share what I do for a couple of reasons.<br />
<br />
<ol><li>It's anonymous. If I knew you knew my family I certainly wouldn't be sharing some of these stories. </li>
<li>It takes away the power. The longer you shore something up in your head and heart that you know is a bad thing, the longer it will exert power over your life. You just won't be able to get away from it and the longer you keep it shored up, the more powerful it will get. </li>
<li>I don't believe that what I'm sharing is completely uncommon. I believe there is someone else out there who has similar stories or stories that can relate to mine. And if they don't, they certainly understand stories of shame and have their own. I think we all do.</li>
</ol><br />
So I'm not sharing to give you too much information or hurt the people I am talking about. I'm sharing it so you won't feel alone and so the power of these experiences can disappear.<br />
<br />
Have you experienced the power of a shameful story? Have you shared it?<br />
<br />
Praying for you,<br />
ReaganReaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121193324354320858.post-19579230646790286152010-11-06T06:54:00.000-07:002010-11-06T06:54:57.830-07:00Not Knowing What You're DoingI was encouraged by my counselor to write a letter. To my mother. And not mail it. To get it all out, so to speak.<br />
<br />
With great dread I completed that project. Four pages, single spaced letter.<br />
<br />
I did this with my dad years ago, but since I'm just starting to work on this with my mom this was the first I'd done this in relation to her.<br />
<br />
When I walked into the counseling session he asked me to read it out loud to him. So I did. Four pages of sheer anger intermixed with questions.<br />
<br />
I finished reading it and I expected him to agree with everything I said and go into how horrible I had it. Instead what he said was, "Okay, now, can you forgive her?" <br />
<br />
What? And let all this go? Just that easy? Don't we need to rip on her a little first?<br />
<br />
Isn't it always that way when we have been hurt by someone? We want to stay in that anger and have everyone else support us and confirm us in that anger. Usually when they don't agree with how I feel, I end up feeling extremely inferior to them and back away. But it's a little hard to back away from a counseling session when you're not an assertive person.<br />
<br />
So I listened and participated in the conversation.<br />
<br />
I told him I thought I could probably forgive her for everything but telling me to sleep with my first boyfriend. I didn't know how I could possibly do that when she had encouraged me to give away something so precious - something that could not be taken back. Something that hasn't stopped bothering me since the day it happened.<br />
<br />
Then he asked me if I could forgive myself.<br />
<br />
Nope. <br />
<br />
Not going to happen.<br />
<br />
He asked me if I remembered what Jesus said to the criminals on the cross when they hung Him there.<br />
<br />
Yes, I remember. "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."<br />
<br />
He asked me if I knew what I was doing when I slept with my boyfriend.<br />
<br />
And I have to say no. I mean, I obviously KNEW what I was doing, but I didn't understand why I was doing it and how it could possibly effect me in the future. I had no idea.<br />
<br />
He said, "I think if the 30 year old woman could stand here and look at her 15 year old self and see she didn't know what she was doing, then Jesus would also stand beside that 30 year old woman and say, 'You knew not what you were doing. And I already forgave you.'"<br />
<br />
I never considered applying those words to my actions. Or to the actions of others.<br />
<br />
He said, and I already knew, there was a reason for why my mom behaved the way she did. Of course. Her dad treated her the same way and worse. Her mom died when she was 12 followed by a stepmother who died 2 years later and then another stepmother who could have cared less about parenting 5 children who were not her own. She had no mother. So she didn't know how to be one. After the age of 12 she had no idea. She did not know what she was doing.<br />
<br />
I'm reading a book right now called The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Medes. One of the things he says is necessary for forgiveness is finding compassion for the person who injured you. Looking at my mom in the light of what she experienced and the fact that she truly had no idea what to do after I turned 12 provided that. My view of her changed dramatically with the words of Christ.<br />
<br />
I know that forgiveness of myself or my mother will not come easy because that pain still exists and simply can not be forgotten or brushed under the rug. That's what causes the pain to grow. Still, I feel hopeful that it will happen someday.<br />
<br />
What do you think about Christ's words?Reaganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338300076412570576noreply@blogger.com0