Remembering

My husband's grandmother passed away tonight and I just have the need to write when things like this happen.

Grandma S. had no name to the in-laws.  My father in law didn't call her anything.  Ever.  I don't know how in the world he managed to get through nearly 40 years without calling her anything, but he did.  So I never knew what to call her.  And I didn't call her anything either. 

It was determined about a year ago that she had an aneurysm near her heart and they were doing scans every 6 months or so to make sure things were still "okay".  It was during the course of one of those scans back in September that she was diagnosed with lung cancer.  She lived about 2 hours from us but we saw her almost every weekend for 3 months while she was having tests, etc. here.  While she was in the hospital one of the times last fall I asked my husband to ask her what I should call her finally.  She said, "Well, I don't know!  Grandma."

I didn't feel so bad because not even she knew what she wanted to be called.

My husband and I had our three children very close together, the third of which was unplanned.  She told me in her kitchen one night that we should consider using "those protector" things that she and her husband had to use after the birth of my mother-in-law.  Nice.  I thought my husband was going to throw up everywhere when I told him that.

She definitely wasn't the most emotional person.  She laughed at things that weren't funny, ignored you most of the time and ALWAYS said what she was thinking, no matter what you might think in return.  Very typical of older people, I'm realizing.  (I'm looking forward to that point of my life.)  And she really liked her cats.  When she came to stay with us this fall we had just gotten a kitten.  She asked about that cat and was more protective of our kitten than she was our children.  She just didn't get attached to people so much.

But here's what is surprising me the most about her death. 

I'm truly filled with joy for her.  Since I met her nearly 14 years ago now, she has talked about wanting to go to Heaven.  Wishing she was in Heaven with her husband.  Tired of the pain she was experiencing and not wanting to be here anymore.  She preached the end times to anyone who would listen and didn't care, as I said, before, what you thought.  She was sure the end times would be approaching and that I would have to live through them.  And that she would not.

I'm grateful to have known her and have gotten to know her in these past 6 months.  And I'm grateful she is dancing with joy with her husband in the presence of Christ.

I'm Tired.

Today has been a sucky day.

Miss K. is upstairs crying right now.  We do this thing with her where she loses 5 minutes of TV (well, all of them do) as a consequence for each time they whine, complain or pick on each other.  She has lost 20 minutes for tomorrow already.  She is in bed crying for Daddy who won't be home for another hour and a half.  Do your kids do that?  Cry for the other parent when one disciplines them? 

I was reading through the blog the other day and thinking of how to reach out to people.  I've tried networking and talking to other blogs and following them, but my comments here are minimal and I think I've had one page view in one week.  Not great stats.  I don't think I'll get much in the way of offers for advertising.

So I'm not going to worry about it.  I'm just going to write what is on my heart.

I'm tired today.

Yesterday was a particularly long work day and when I have days like that I find myself exhausted for even several days afterwards.  I'm more emotional.

But I'm also just tired.  Tired of feeling the hurt I feel every day.  Tired of the hurt I feel when I get a one line email from my mother.  Tired of the text messages I get from my aunt saying she's having surgery instead of an actual call because she's upset about my relationship with my mother.  Tired of being hurt and feeling afraid every time my father touches one of my kids, even when he touches my husband.  Tired of conflict.  I have had a conflict with two of the leaders of my church in the last 3 months.  I feel like they are looking out for each other instead of looking to see the whole truth in this particular situation.  There has been significant tension there and when I had a conversation with them about it they said I misunderstood and misconstrued everything. I ended up apologizing and taking the blame for everything.  They did not.  I don't trust the leaders of my church because of the occurrences of the last 3 months.  I scheduled an appointment with my counselor to sort some of these things out and as I was on my way to my 11:00 appointment, the office called my house to cancel it.  I had already left.  Later that day I asked to have him call me back and three business days later he still hadn't.  So I scheduled an appointment with him to talk to him about that.  When something like that happens with your counselor though some trust is lost.

Now the conflict with the church and counselor are very recent.  The conflict with my aunt has happened over the course of the last 18 months.  The hurt with my parents happened 20 years ago though.  How much longer will that hurt?  I thought  as life went on the pain would subside, not just keep hurting.  (It does hurt MUCH less than it used to.)  I'm sure what's happened over the course of the last 6 months with my mother has not made things any better at all.  Being faced with the fact that she is never going to admit what actually happened let alone apologize has made this all the worse.  And having my aunt defend her and blame me has made it nearly impossible to communicate with that side of my family.  How do you reach out to people like that?  How do you have a relationship with them?  I'm at least thankful that I can talk to my dad about what happened there and that he understands the pain he caused.  Well, he understands a fraction of it.  He thinks I should just trust him now because he says he is trustworthy.  For some reason I can't do that.

I'm tired of living on this side of heaven. I don't want to anymore.  I want to not hurt.

Those intermittent thoughts of suicide are happening more often and I'm seeing less of what would be bad about that.

I'm just tired.

What is Your God Like?

I was taking my daughter to school this morning and her sister was in the back seat with her telling her how much she missed Daddy already today. Miss Z says to Miss K, "Don't you love Mommy and God too?"

Miss K: "Yes, but I miss Daddy right now!"

Miss Z: "You should love God more than you love Daddy. I do because He loves me all the time."

Miss K: "I do too. I just miss Daddy. I want Daddy!"

Miss Z: "You know, God can hear everything you're saying right now."

Miss K: "How can He hear me way down here when He is way up there?"

Miss Z: "I don't know. But He can."

Miss K: "I know."

It's just so easy for them. They just simply trust that God is all loving, enamored with them, taken up by them and taking care of each of their steps and listening to all their words.

I believe He is.

I guess I should clarify. I believe He is with them. It's hard for me to believe He is with me.

I believe He wants me to trust in Him and His love for me like my daughters do. He doesn't want me to be afraid of Him. He wants me to BELIEVE in Him. Believe that He hears me, loves me, is taken up by me and truly knows what is best for me. Believe that in the times I don't understand He loves me just as much and He still has my back. Believe as I face the consequences of my and other's sins that He is just and righteous. Believe that He can hear me even though He is "way up there" and I am "way down there".

I am so grateful for the simple beauty of my daughters faith in Him and I pray that I will have the strength to simply strive for that same kind of beautiful faith.

How do you see God today?

Monochromatic

I'm very black and white. In my life, unlike this picture, there is very little gray.

With me, if you're a person, you fall in 1 of 2 camps, safe and unsafe.  Once you make it into the unsafe camp, you are more than likely going to stay there.  And I'm going to avoid you at all costs.

My husband and I have been talking about this a lot lately and had a lengthy conversation about it tonight.
I'm feeling used a lot in relationships.  That is not an uncommon feeling for me to have, but it's going above and beyond what I've experienced in a long time.  I think that feeling is merited on some level but perhaps not to the level I'm taking it. 

I tend to avoid in depth relationships like the plague because they don't usually turn out well.  I am more than happy to have conversations of depth, but not a relationship of depth.  There's a big difference.

I despise superficiality, which is why I like conversations of depth.  But, do not ask me to trust you and see you on a regular basis.  There is just no way that is going to happen.   What is that all about?


For the sake of my children I'm going to have to figure this one out.  But I have no idea how to do that.

Can you relate at all?  Any suggestions?