I started this blog as a way to chronicle my journey of healing from sexual, emotional and physical abuse. As a way to let people know there were others out there who could make it through these injustices in their lives. To give them hope.
Instead of this being encouraging and hopeful as I hoped it would be it has instead been a place for me to share the incredible pain I've been experiencing as I let go of things that should have been let go of years ago. Idols I formed as a result of the emotional manipulation I experienced.
I'm ready for this last 10 months to be over. I have felt more suicidal and depressed than I have been since I was in college I think. That was years ago (unfortunately :)).
This week it seemed to come to a head. I have been so tired of wondering when things are going to "break" so I would feel a sense of peace again. I kept hoping that break would come. And it just hasn't.
A few days ago I was working on planting our garden and listening to music so I would not hear the road noise (completely different, and crazy story) and I was listening to Kerrie Roberts.
This woman is amazing and has the most empathetic and understanding music I believe I've ever heard. I don't think she has been through abuse, but she gets it anyway. Every song is incredibly encouraging and real.
Well, as I was listening to her album, Kerrie Roberts, I had this urge to run. Totally unusual for me. My husband runs and I have no idea why. He actually finds it enjoyable! I find laying on the couch eating brownies enjoyable....
I asked my husband if I could have 20 minutes. I didn't tell him what I was doing and he said, "Yes." I shut the door to our house and just took off. I just started running. (I can hear the Forrest Gump jokes now.)
I ran over a mile. When I got home, the song "Keep Breathing" by Kerrie Roberts was playing. I just sat down on the rock at the end of our driveway and listened and cried and prayed. I prayed one word, "Help." Over and over again. Just help. And I focused on each breath I took. I just kept breathing.
The essence of the song is as long as there is breath, as long as you are breathing, you can not give up. Keep breathing. Keep going.
I don't know where you are today. I don't know if this blog is for my eyes only and meant to be a place I can talk without my kids reading it someday or if its a place to touch someone.
If you're a someone who is sad, wondering where the hope is, wondering where God is, wondering where YOU are, take a listen to this song. You are not done. Just keep breathing.
Lyrics
You wait in darkness
For answers that you can't see
You know what you deserve
And your wondering why your life is
Not what you thought it should be
When the knife breaks
Your heart still aches
How can you face the day
You just
Keep breathing
you'll make it
Don't give in
You're not done yet
Sometimes all that you can do is
Keep breathing and believing
Don't let go
Just hand on tighter
A little longer
When you feel like your dying
Keep breathing
Don't give up
Don't give in
No you're not done
Don't give up
Don't give in
Don't let go
When every moment
Is almost more than you can take
You've got to know some
Tomorrow will bring you a breakthrough
Is the reason why
You got to get through the today
When the knife's gone
You will be strong
Keep breathing
you'll make it
Don't give in
You're not done yet
Sometimes all that you can do is
Keep breathing and believing
Don't let go
Just hand on tighter
A little longer
With every breath
You're bringing hope
You're letting go of all your doubts
When nothing is easy
You got to keep going
Even when you don't know how
You don't have to know how, no
Keep breathing
you'll make it
Don't give in
You're not done yet
Sometimes all that you can do is
Keep breathing and believing
Don't let go
Just hand on tighter
A little longer
Keep breathing
you'll make it
Don't give in
You're not done yet
Sometimes all that you can do is
Keep breathing and believing
Don't let go
Just hand on tighter
A little longer
Keep breathing
Don't give up
No you're not done yet
Don't give up
Don't give in
Don't let go
No you're not done yet
