I had a conversation with a friend tonight. I had talked to her about being a basketcase earlier last week and tonight she asked me about it. I kind of blew it off but later in the conversation I mentioned something about being down lately and she asked me why.
So I told her.
I told her the crux of the story - limited version. And I felt guilty again. The thing is that I KNOW I am sinning in all of this - not necessarily by talking, but being that I am of a sinful nature I know that my sin is present in those conversations - in these conversations.
I wish that didn't get in the way.
I feel guilty about my sin that is involved here. I feel guilty for sharing some things my parents have done but not sharing the things I have done in such direct detail. I feel like a traitor. I feel horrible when I know how upset my mom would be if she could hear me talking.
I know I'm sinning when I speak cynically of my mom and what is happening between us right now. We haven't talked in several weeks now and I don't know when that is going to change.
I feel sick inside and I can feel myself hiding. I didn't want to share my story tonight or talk about it. At least I don't think I did. But I shared it anyway.
I always feel like I'm letting people down when I share that story because it isn't nearly as climactic or dramatic as one might hope. It's just kind of there.
And many people have similar stories. My friend encountered emotional and verbal abuse. She talked about it matter of factly and seems to be dealing really well with it - setting appropriate boundaries and calling it what it is. She isn't struggling like I am.
I feel like I'm always going to be struggling. And I feel like a wuss because of it.