When I review the posts I've listed so far I'm noticing a theme.
I'm sorry that is what has come across so far because that is not what I'm experiencing most of the time and that's not what this blog is about. Although the last month or so has been very difficult I'm not feeling or wanting to fall into a hole of despair. I want to have this blog be about something else.
I want it to be about perseverance and hope.
I think desperation is a common feeling at some point/s when you have encountered abuse. Either from not seeing a way out or from the feelings you are left with as a result of the abuse.
It doesn't have to stop there though.
My relationship with God has been a giant roller coaster. I have literally told Him I was walking away. I couldn't imagine how He could be real or worth worshipping if He was real because of the feelings I was experiencing at that time.
He keeps coming back though.
You may be skeptical of His existence or His presence in your life, particularly if you've attributed characteristics of your abuser to Him. The only thing I can say if you feel this way is this:
We all need something to hope in. Without hope there is truly nothing. Is there anything to lose if you hope in God?
If you feel despair, if you feel like you don't know where God is or if He even exists, simply try this - ask Him to show up. Say or even think something as simple as this, "God, please show up. Please show me if You are real. Please be with me. Then see what happens.
You may get an answer right away. You may feel like you are waiting a long time for an answer. I feel like I've been asking Him to show up for a very long time. There were many times when I felt that happened - that His presence, or the coincidence of the day's events or discoveries were too ironic to be from anything or anyone else. There were other times that all I felt was continued desperation for a while.
this time I'm feeling hope. I'm feeling like He is chipping away at the huge ball of ice I've put Him in. I've put Him in a place where He is cold, harsh, unfeeling and cruel. He's chipping away at that image right now.
I don't know why He's picking this time in my life, but I'm so very thankful that it is here and that He kept showing up.
He WILL make Himself real to you - in some way.
I'm praying for you. Please ask Him to show up and see what He does.