Saturday, October 23, 2010


Its funny the reaction I have toward both of my parents when they advise me to do something.

When I was learning how to drive, my parents had a standard drive vehicle.  They traded it in because we all knew I would never get my license in that thing!  I just had no ability whatsoever to drive it.  My dad thought that was so funny.  It wasn't a joke that really bothered me except I didn't want to be looked at like I was too flaky or incapable to drive a standard.

The second car I purchased was a standard drive Saturn coupe.  I bought that car BECAUSE my dad didn't think I could drive a standard.  I so wanted to prove him wrong.  I continue to feel that way for whatever reason when my dad is skeptical of my ability to do something.  I want to prove I can do it, especially if he doesn't think I can.  No matter what.

Total different story with my mom though.

I went shopping with my mom several months ago and there was a very tacky picture we both saw.  She said, "Hey you should get that because it has butterflies on it and you like butterflies."  You know what my immediate response was - "I should get that.  I think I'll go ahead and pick that up."  Slightly stepping back and realizing what I was doing was a surprise for me.

Since not talking to my mom I'm noticing I'm feeling almost panicky about the decisions I'm making.  I depend on her confirmation and affirmation for everything.  I feel lost not asking for her opinion and like I'm doing something wrong.  I feel like God is not going to bless some of the situations I'm going through, even though I'm seeking His will, simply because my mother has not been involved in it.

Shamefully, I believe I'm engaging in idolatry - seeking my mother above my God.  And that is not okay.

I think changing that is going to require actual courage because I feel so far out of my comfort zone by not asking for her opinion and direction with everything I'm doing.  It's a rotten feeling.

But at the same time I have hope because I am finally starting to admit, out loud, what I have been wondering about and scared of in my head for such a long time.  And now I can deal with it and seek Him first.  And I'm definitely looking forward to that.

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