I've mentioned to you in other posts that I've been having conflict with my mother.
This week is the first time I felt like I could get together with her without being angry. I asked her to meet me and she accepted right away.
On the way to meet her I prayed about what I would say to her. One of the things I said (out loud to myself) was that I forgave her. And I meant it. What a relief filled realization that was. I'm so thankful for that.
Our meeting went less than favorably.
We remember the years I was growing up completely differently. It's not even in the same ball park - at all.
That has thrown me for a loop.
Which one of us is right?
She remembers hitting me 5 times. I would have thought 505. And that's not even touching the verbal or emotional abuse.
How do you really deal with that? How do you deal with conflict when you see things completely differently than the other person does who you are in conflict with? What kind of things do you do in the future in relationship with that person? These are the questions I'm wrestling with right now.
Here's how it's falling out for me - so far.
I don't believe that the one who was abused would be making up stories. Even though I can't point out every time she hit me or where, I have feelings and thoughts to back that up, one of which is the utter surprise at her even saying that number, I know I didn't make those things up.
I have been receiving counsel from dear friends, my pastor, a couple of women who are older and wiser than I am and a professional counselor. I'm praying about this a lot. And I felt peaceful.
My mom was very angry and emotional through the entire conversation. She holds me just as responsible for everything that happened as she is, if not more so. The view that she is expressing feels almost bizarre.
So, I believe the boundaries I'm setting right now, although very painful, are appropriate. I have no idea what will happen in our relationship and I feel SO SAD about it, but it is what it is right now and I'm going to have to trust that God will be my stability in this situation.
Can you relate? Any thoughts?
I'm no professional, but I do think that the reason offenders re-write reality is because they wouldn't be able to handle the truth of what they have done. They have to create a fantasy situation they can live with. If they don't, the reality would be too much for them. You have to remember that you are not dealing with a well person. There is definite pathology at work. She may not even be capable of giving you what you need. It is so hard to face the fact that our expectations will not be met, especially in relation to family. It makes your heart ache, it opens that gaping wound you are trying to let God suture, and it seems that the pain will never subside. When you feel like you are making progress, another surreal conversation pushes you back down in the mire you are trying to climb back out of.
ReplyDeleteJust know you are not alone, and you are in my prayers. You are definitely not alone! :)
Lori,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind and beautiful words and prayers. I appreciate it so much.