Today has been a sucky day.
Miss K. is upstairs crying right now. We do this thing with her where she loses 5 minutes of TV (well, all of them do) as a consequence for each time they whine, complain or pick on each other. She has lost 20 minutes for tomorrow already. She is in bed crying for Daddy who won't be home for another hour and a half. Do your kids do that? Cry for the other parent when one disciplines them?
I was reading through the blog the other day and thinking of how to reach out to people. I've tried networking and talking to other blogs and following them, but my comments here are minimal and I think I've had one page view in one week. Not great stats. I don't think I'll get much in the way of offers for advertising.
So I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to write what is on my heart.
I'm tired today.
Yesterday was a particularly long work day and when I have days like that I find myself exhausted for even several days afterwards. I'm more emotional.
But I'm also just tired. Tired of feeling the hurt I feel every day. Tired of the hurt I feel when I get a one line email from my mother. Tired of the text messages I get from my aunt saying she's having surgery instead of an actual call because she's upset about my relationship with my mother. Tired of being hurt and feeling afraid every time my father touches one of my kids, even when he touches my husband. Tired of conflict. I have had a conflict with two of the leaders of my church in the last 3 months. I feel like they are looking out for each other instead of looking to see the whole truth in this particular situation. There has been significant tension there and when I had a conversation with them about it they said I misunderstood and misconstrued everything. I ended up apologizing and taking the blame for everything. They did not. I don't trust the leaders of my church because of the occurrences of the last 3 months. I scheduled an appointment with my counselor to sort some of these things out and as I was on my way to my 11:00 appointment, the office called my house to cancel it. I had already left. Later that day I asked to have him call me back and three business days later he still hadn't. So I scheduled an appointment with him to talk to him about that. When something like that happens with your counselor though some trust is lost.
Now the conflict with the church and counselor are very recent. The conflict with my aunt has happened over the course of the last 18 months. The hurt with my parents happened 20 years ago though. How much longer will that hurt? I thought as life went on the pain would subside, not just keep hurting. (It does hurt MUCH less than it used to.) I'm sure what's happened over the course of the last 6 months with my mother has not made things any better at all. Being faced with the fact that she is never going to admit what actually happened let alone apologize has made this all the worse. And having my aunt defend her and blame me has made it nearly impossible to communicate with that side of my family. How do you reach out to people like that? How do you have a relationship with them? I'm at least thankful that I can talk to my dad about what happened there and that he understands the pain he caused. Well, he understands a fraction of it. He thinks I should just trust him now because he says he is trustworthy. For some reason I can't do that.
I'm tired of living on this side of heaven. I don't want to anymore. I want to not hurt.
Those intermittent thoughts of suicide are happening more often and I'm seeing less of what would be bad about that.
I'm just tired.